Status: Mother Part II

I have kept a record of my parenting facebook statuses over the years as kind of a journal of daily parenting life. In honor of Mother’s Day, I present them in this series: Status: Mother.

Today’s adventure: went to Emmy’s beauty store for a makeover. Emmy was assisted by her daughter Katie while her husband Caleb ran the shop. They were loading me up with bright pink lipstick, glitter lotion, and priceless jewelry when the police called and told Caleb to close the doors and windows and turn out the lights because a robber was in the neighborhood. At the end of the makeover, I fessed up that I WAS THE ROBBER and was making off with all the jewels. They turned the tables on me though, because they were actually superhero-beauticians in disguise, so they beat me up and took the jewels back. But I WILL have my revenge!

Caleb made a doorknob hanger in Sunday school this morning. The front says: Forgive and you will be forgiven. The back says: No trespassing AND I MEAN IT.

Seven hours in the van with non-stop Disney movies playing has given me an idea for Disney’s next great film! A young boy who routinely consumes too much roughage and his journey to control his intestines. Working title: “Finding Beano”.

My 3 year old just told me “Okay, Ms. Bossy, just a minute.” I managed to keep a straight face as I clued her in as to why I am called Ms. Bossy.

Kids are upstairs playing, and one of them just yelled “Get to the starting line for the farting olympics!” I think I’ll stay down here for now.

You like toast. You like cheese. WHY, WHY, WHY are you whining about having grilled cheese for lunch? Is it part of your evil plot to drive me insane? IT’S WORKING.

Heard in the back seat of the minivan: “Let’s sing Jingle Bells with a chicken voice. Bock bock bock, bock bock bock, bock bock cluck cluck bock!”

I was just telling a friend yesterday that this summer wasn’t so bad with the kids and that they are usually driving me nuts by now. WHY DID I SAY IT OUT LOUD???? JINXED!!! School, start quickly!!!

“Sister fatigue” is the clinical term for what ails my son. Start soon, school.

Emily’s 1st grade teacher called to introduce herself. I asked Caleb’s opinion of her (he was in 1st last year and knows all the teachers) and he said “Well, she’s nice when her class is behaving.” Hmmm…. kind of like his mother.

Child of mine, you are so very worth all the extra effort I must pour into you. I love you forever, Mama.

“Mama, can everything talk?” “No, honey, only people can talk.” “Oh…then cheese can’t talk?” “No, cheese can’t talk.”

Boring women have immaculate homes. It’s my new mantra.

What are the odds that Caleb and Emmy would both lose tooth #2 within an hour of each other? Well, the odds are made greater if little sister loses hers first. Anything you can do, I can do better.

At the dinner table:
“Mom, tell us a story.”
“Once there were three very quiet little children. As you can see, this is a work of fiction.”

Emmy is home from school early with a fever. Jammies, ibuprofen and the Little Mermaid are just what the doctor ordered. Well, that and her mama’s extra attention. My week is a busy one, but this is a good reminder to me of what my #1 ministry is: Rusty, Caleb, Emily and Katie. Sometimes, everyone else will just have to wait!

My girls were squabbling so much in the van on the way home from gymnastics that I told them that they could no longer talk at all. I guess I should have said “until we get home” because about 15 min after we got back to the house, Emmy handed me a note that said “Can I toc naw plese with choclet on top?” Whoops. It was a very quiet 15 minutes, though.

Breakfast table conversation this a.m.: “God IS everywhere… even at the water park, because there are people at the water park.”

A wave of cranky has broken over my home. And unfortunately I am leading by example. This may call for a Dairy Queen run later….

“Mama, the bottom of my shoe smells like noodles.”

Me: “Katie, did you brush your teeth?” Kate: “Yes.” Me: “Katie….” Kate: “Really. I promise.” Me: “C’mere and let me smell your minty breath.” Kate: “I have to go upstairs and do something.”

Emily just informed Caleb that he is not a mammal since he cannot give birth to live young or provide milk. *snicker*

Nothing ruins the forward momentum of the morning like a lost pair of tennies on P.E. day. I hate snapping into mean, in-a-hurry mama mode.

Just when I think they are focused enough on getting ready for bed that I can steal down the stairs and start the dishes (or check fb…) I hear a lone note from a kazoo drift down and I realize that the circus plays on.

Sign on Emmy’s door: “No doys allowed!” I think she means her drother.

“Wow, the weather is really affecting the temperature!” – Caleb White, my son the scientist

I was looking online for ideas for Caleb’s George Washington costume for school, and I found a “Sexy George Washington” entry. That was a sexy George Washington, all right. Not completely historical in that George Washington is traditionally depicted as a man, but definitely sexy.

The neighbor’s kid understands the concept of prank calling, but doesn’t understand the concept of caller ID. Amusing.

Romantic Valentine’s dinner for my family of 5- spaghetti and meatballs with cupid shaped garlic toast, candle light and a carnation in a vase on the table. That’s called livin’ it up White House style.

Caleb: “Katie, you have a milk mustache.” Katie: “That’s because I drinkded my milk.” Caleb: “That’s because I DRANK my milk.” Katie: “You did NOT! It’s MY milk!”

Good parenting is the balance between being the parent that loves on you as you sit around the table at dinnertime and the parent that will murder you if you skip class. Two sides of parenting love, neither one works without the other.

HOLY COW! CALEB AND I JUST BEAT THE GIANT BOWSER AT THE END OF WORLD 8 AND UNLOCKED THE SECRET LEVEL 9!!! ….. Um…. I mean…. Caleb and I had a fun time this afternoon playing Super Mario Brothers on the Wii.

We have a new vocabulary word at the White House: smug. They get what it means, but keep using it with the wrong part of speech. “Mama, Caleb is being a smug.” “Mom, Emily is smugging!” I like their usages better than the traditional.

Looking for Status: Mother Part I? Ready for Part III?


1 Comment

Filed under Funny stuff, Kid stuff

One response to “Status: Mother Part II

  1. LaNett Wilcox

    Had me laughing so hard…. ah, motherhood!

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