The Long Silence

4889090049It has been so long since I have posted. It hasn’t been on purpose; I have just been having a long silence. It has been a silence from me to my readers, but also a silence between me and God.

I had the most amazing summer of my life last year. I blogged about it in a series called Summer School. All summer long I felt like God was taking me by the hand and showing me amazing works and wonders, each lesson more stunning than the last. It was a breathtaking time, one filled with deep and profound spiritual growth. I was so glad that God made me aware of it in the moment because all too often these realizations only come after the fact. But it was as if God was saying ‘Here, Nicole. Now. Be awake; be aware. Be present.’ And I was.

Summer ended, school started, and I was so looking forward to this school year, my first with all three of my kids in school. I sat ready, eager, pen poised to write at His command. Finally, I thought, no distractions, just me and Your will. I will do as You please!

In return I have gotten silence. Deafening, disturbing silence. At first I didn’t notice and just kept squeaking along. (My apologies for everything I wrote after September of last year.) I was forcing it all, trying to make my words be coherent and meaningful. They were neither. After a few months, the silence I heard from God threw me into a sullen depression. I was in a very cross mood for… oh, three months or so. (Sorry, Rusty. Sorry, kids. Sorry, world.)

I argued with the silence. (What do You WANT from me?) I felt ashamed of the silence. (What have I done to offend You?) Then, I returned the silence. (………….) Where it had so recently been so very easy, it is now uneasy between my redeemer and me. And I have no idea why.

So this silence has led to my silence. I have long held that no blogging is better than bad blogging, and lately there has been nothing good.

But this thought occurred to me tonight: I am so very uneasy with this silence. I am so very uncomfortable with His absence. Ironically, though, this is where I am drawing my comfort. You know when you hurt yourself seriously, like a sprained ankle or something, and there is extreme discomfort to walk on it, but relief at that pain, because your ankle still works? That’s how this feels right now. I don’t like that I feel so uneasy about God right now. But I like that I am uneasy about Him. It means that whatever is going on, it isn’t permanently damaged. It still works. It’s still there.

Silence broken.

 

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5 Comments

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5 responses to “The Long Silence

  1. Ali

    Your words are so powerful (even in their silence) you are a beautiful soul Nicole! Much love!

  2. Love this. And appreciate your transparency.

  3. Alisha

    Again, a comfort to know that one who “has it all together” isn’t afraid to show the chink in her armor and yet, shows her immense strength underneath. I love you and am grateful to have you as a roll model.

  4. Rick Webb

    Thank you for your strength and transparency my friend! You are so talented even in expressing silence, and we love and appreciate you and your family. Without being preachy, I want you to know that even great orators and writers have seasons when the well runs dry. While I don’t know the ins and outs of your strained relationship with Him, I do know that He will be there when you get to the place where you are ready to drink from the fire hose once more… Blessings and Love…Rick and Dot

  5. Thanks to all who sent their encouragement. This was a tough one to admit. Thanks for understanding.

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